DOARS- Week 3 Day 2 -Denial

Dear Diary,

Despite the fact that Cycl0n3 slept over, I still woke up alone. Now I must say that I really wasn't as upset as I expected to be. Sure, I was slightly annoyed that he left again in the morning without informing me, but I think I'm getting used to that. After all, I have absolutely no reason to be insecure about how he feels about me. I don't need to worry that him leaving me again is a demonstration of his secret desire to stop being friends or anything like that. It really is a comforting thought, y'know? The person that I care the most about seems to care about me the most, too. Isn't that nice? I think it's nice, even if I know that I don't care about him quite as much as he cares about me, and maybe not even in the same way. 

After having... well.... questionable dreams about him last night, I must say that I'm still on the fence about the two of us. Do I like like him? Could I really fall in love with him someday? I don't really have the answers to these questions, despite the fact that I am fairly brilliant, if I do say so myself. Well, anyways, let's just say that the peculiar nature of my dreams last night left me a little glad to not have to see him right away. I mean, I think I'd probably blush and let's face it, I'm Lynn Winslow, I don't blush.

I had to stop and chuckle to myself. Maybe Cycl0n3 had left early because he didn't want to face me after what he dreamt last night. heh, heh. Well, that's rather unlikely. He had, after all, declared his undying love to me less than 24 hours ago, so I really doubt that his courage would fail him now. Ah well, I'll come up with some other reasonable answer for his disappearance.

On a different note, I need more athletic skill for my job. I mean, I really don't want to let the team down the next time I get to play in a game. So after a quick change of clothes, I  am doing a strength workout. Now typically, as I'm sure some of you fitness experts out there have noticed, I do aerobic work outs. I generally prefer them, they're less intense, after all. I find myself more refreshed than tired after them, and what not. Today however I decided that the team could really use a little bit more muscle and so I'll be attempting strength workouts more frequently. Feel free to talk to my agent if you have any questions about that.

After working out I decided to offer my sacrifice of appeasement to the gnomes. I had in fact noticed that this morning my shower was replaced with a brand new crappy one. Thus I felt that it would be appropriate to repay the gnomes with laundry. Makes sense, right? Maybe next time they'd even get me a decent shower instead of just replacing a crappy broken one with a crappy working one. I can hope, right?

Hmm, maybe that's why Cycl0n3 didn't bother to stick around this morning. Why would he when he can go home to ... wait, no. Nope, I guess that won't work. His shower's broken, too. Ah well, maybe I should try harder to convince him to move in here so that I will stop feeling guilty about that. Er, well... I guess the more logical solution would just be to find time and go over to fix them.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

When I went out to check the mail, I noticed that Cycl0n3 hadn't actually left at all. Instead he was busy burying seeds in my dirt. How odd. Did the peculiar little man think that Tony would really let anything grow on my land? Ha! Well, I suppose that I had never really told Cycl0n3 about that particular war, so how could he know? 

At any rate, I really was glad to see him. I had been trying to ignore all morning how bothersome it was to be left alone again. And now I know that I hadn't been left alone, after all. Though, I wonder if I should be slightly insulted, I mean, he left me alone in the house so that he could putter about in a hopeless garden? Hmm, for a woman who he supposedly loved, you'd think he'd try to cater to me more. Well, I'd think that anyway. I guess I should just be thankful that he didn't leave, right?

Bills. Of course. I think whoever came up with the idea for bills must have been on Tony's team. I mean, think about it. Bills are the bane of everyone's life- it had to be an evil Tony scheme, right?

When I went back into the house Cycl0n3 pounced me. I found a few things wrong with this. They are as follows: 1) I am smelly, I was on my way to shower after working out earlier. So I was both impressed and disgusted. I mean, apparently my smelliness wasn't that much of a turn off for him- and yet that makes me question his own hygiene habits... 2) My phone was obviously ringing and I wonder if it was important, but I guess now we'll never know. 3) I enjoyed kissing him and didn't even think about numbers 1 and 2 until I started writing about the kiss just now. Really that last one is the most bothersome. I mean it certainly makes me question how I feel about the guy. Friends don't usually enjoy kissing each other.... right?

Onto a less disturbing theme, Cycl0n3 made me lunch after I took a shower. Wasn't that nice of him? Well, I thought it was so sweet. I mean, I had to leave for work pretty soon, and it was really thoughtful of him. He's a pretty great guy. I'm even more determined to convince him to move in here, somehow. Think of how useful he'd be! He could clean the house while I was gone; he could tend the *snicker* garden (if he can ever get anything to grow); he could make me dinner (and lunch and breakfast); he could do the laundry; he could go grocery shopping; he could rub my back when it gets sore; he could take care of the kids.... wait! No! Oh no no no no. That slipped out. That's not at all what I meant to say. Kids? Psh! Yeah right! Ha! I mean... like.... hah, imagine that... me and Cycl0n3 having a baby... together? Um... yeah, let's just move on. I'm going to ignore the fact that this ever happened.

And so it was off to work, which was uneventful, you should know. We practiced for a game and that was about it. Joy. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my job even when there's not a lot left to do. Plus, I know there is a lot of pre-game prep that I need to catch up on. I'm still and extremely fresh member of the team and I need more experience... but, I can't help but remember with fondness my days as a toddler coach. Crazy, right? Totally crazy! But when I was surrounded by those little tikes I really enjoyed it. I know, I know, I pretended to hate it, but how could I? They were so adorable and I got to help them learn something that will benefit them in the long run. I mean, think about it, one of them might follow in my footsteps and might become really famous and tell all the world that the world famous soccer star, Lynn Winslow was the one that inspired them. Seriously, how cool would that be?

Have I ever claimed to not be a coward? I can't remember. I know sometimes I like to think I'm brave, I really do. Let's face it though. I'm a coward. When I got home from work I didn't go inside and see if Cycl0n3 had stuck around. I grabbed the laundry. Oh sure, I told myself it was because the gnomes would be happier if I got it done sooner than later and I really didn't care if Cycl0n3 was there or not, but it was a lie. For the sake of honesty, I'll admit it here. I wanted Cycl0n3 to be there when I got home and I just didn't want to find out that he wasn't.

But, it turned out that I didn't need to worry about it. Not only was he there, but he made me dinner. Actually I had eaten at work, so I felt a little bad. Imagine that! Me? Lynn Winslow? Feeling bad because the Town Loser made me dinner and I had already eaten? Crazy right? .... well, maybe I am a little crazy. And you know what else, it's really not nice to refer to my best friend as the Town Loser so, I'd really appreciate it if you stopped doing that. You're going to offend me one of these days, you know?

Feeling guilty (again! How is it that I only feel like that when it's about Cycl0n3?) I decided to sit at the table with him while he ate dinner. It was a very perplexing situation. I wanted him there with me. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him. Yikes! I mean, that's weird, right? I don't love him, y'know? So why would I want to tell him that? I mean, if he hadn't pressed the issue, we'd just be friends. Well.... okay, I know he didn't really press the issue, he asked and I just sorta... you know. I mean, surely you haven't forgotten! It was only yesterday! You really gonna make me say it? Okay, fine! I agreed to be his girlfriend. And I don't know what came over me, but I don't regret it. That's kind of like... really scary. I'm surprised I didn't have nightmares last night because of how scary that really is.

 Anyways, back to a less.... wait, no... switching to an equally scary topic... well, the same topic really, Cycl0n3 had definite plans for the evening. Ones he made me aware of by flirting with me. Apparently I was the glitter that lit up his world. Aww. You have to admit it, that was kind of sweet. What was that? It was kind of lame? What? Hey! It was not. If your best friend said that to you... wait, I guess I really should update what I'm calling him. If your boyfriend said that to you, you'd think it was sweet, too.
Okay, I think I may have just started shuddering a little bit. Boyfriend? *Takes a deep breath* that's a big word. Why do I get the feeling that I'm forcing myself to be more scared of it than I really am? I mean, I agreed to it, right? So it really couldn't be that horrible and scary, otherwise I would have ran away, right? Oof, this is just way too much thinking. Would it really be so bad if I was in love with Cycl0n3? Wait, no, not in love, but how about like like? I can admit to that. I like like Cycl0n3. There, I admit it and I don't feel like going and jumping off a bridge. Okay. I think I can handle this. I like Cycl0n3 as more than a friend.

Alright, alright, I get it, it's not that big to admit to liking your boyfriend as more than a friend, but it is for me, okay? Can't you be happy for me and stop picking on me for once?

I felt that my realization called for some celebration. Cycl0n3 seemed more than happy to oblige me. That was awfully sweet of him, wasn't it? He's a really great boyfriend. I'm glad that I agreed to date him. I mean, he cooks for me? How cool is that? I bet none of you have boyfriends as great as that.

Yup, he pretty much rocks.

... And then he asked me to marry him.
Now, now, I know what you're all thinking. You're all saying to yourselves, yikes that was fast! You guys just started dating, what does he think he's doing proposing already? Put the brakes on, Lynn! Don't accept him Lynn. Well.... I did something that no one, not even myself would believe.

... I accepted....

... and then promptly became Mrs. Cycl0n3 Sw0rd.

Now, I could chose to explain my behavior, but I won't. Actually, I don't think I could even if I tried, but I will say this. Looking at him, after just vowing to spend the rest of my life with him and him alone, and then looking at the sparkly thing on my finger, I felt at peace. I mean, I tried to feel scared and uncertain, I really did. But I didn't. Actually I don't think I've ever been happier. I really can't explain it, but it happened, and I'm really glad it did. I married him. In fact, I think I even fell in love with him. I'm not totally certain about that last one, but I wouldn't have wanted to marry anyone else, I didn't ever want to kiss anyone else, I didn't want anyone else living with me, so if that's not love... well, I'm not sure that it is love, but I am pretty sure that what I feel for Cycl0n3 is the closest thing I'll ever have to love and that's good enough for me. Even though it did take me and awful long time to come to that conclusion.

Well, as one would generally expect Cycl0n3 had a very clear idea of how he wanted us to finish off our evening. And I kept to the recent and unbroken tradition of agreeing with him.

 For better or worse, I'm determined to spend the rest of my life with Cycl0n3.

Newly wed,

Lynn Winslow