DOARS- Week 4 Day 6- Lurks Among Us

What another one? Yes, yes another one. I got sick again, so DOARS it is, cos I can't do a lot of other things...but! When I'm healthy I'm extremely busy- so read these at your own pace because they will not always be coming out this fast.
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Dear Diary,

Two days in a row I've woken up alone. I guess Cycl0n3 and I are out of the newlywed phase. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if we actually talked, or spent time together. I miss him. We live together, eat together, sleep together, but I'm afraid we're drifting apart. We just don't have the time to spend together like we used to. It's the kids or the garden, but never me.

I know that I should do something about it, I mean, yeah it'd be great for Cycl0n3 to spend more time with me, but if I have a problem and I don't tell him about it, then really what can I expect from him? He probably thinks everything is okay. And everything is okay, it's just that I'm scared that we'll lead separate lives and then when the kids are grown there won't be anything left for us, and we'll be miserable, or we'll have to learn how to fall in love with each other again, or even worse he'll leave. I can't let that happen.

And the worst part about it is that today it was the garden that won over the kids. I know Cycl0n3 loves his garden, and I'd never ask him to give it up- but maybe we ought to downsize a little? Do we really need to be growing so much lettuce? Oh, I know, I know, a few lettuce plants aren't going to make the kinds of changes that I want to make, but I have to figure out something and start somewhere. 

Oh, fine, I'll just say what's really bothering me. The garden doesn't even make that much money. If the garden made enough to support us, or help us, or do anything, I probably wouldn't resent it, but it doesn't. We've only just now started making a profit on the thing, and a piddly one at that. I just wish that if Cycl0n3 was going to spend the majority of his time on something other than me (I would say the kids, but he does spend a lot of time with them), ok, so the majority of his non-parenting time, I just wish he'd spend it on something a bit more lucrative.  

Especially because he's got this crazy notion that we ought to leave something for our kids, so he's determined to partner up with three businesses before Hector reaches adulthood. With the kind of money we make, that'll never happen.

But, after all this rambling about this garden thing, let me just be clear, Cycl0n3 and I aren't really having any problems right now, but I want to make sure it stays that way. I want to be proactive before we have a problem so big that we can't fix it.

Hector was playing with his blocks when I came into the living room today, he's such a smart boy. I really think he'll be a genius someday, or maybe a computer whiz like us. Man, I miss computers! We just haven't had the money for one, or we'd have one. I guess we really don't have time for computers, though, I mean, we barely have time to take care of our family!

... but it doesn't hurt to ask the gnomes, now does it? As a side note- do the gnomes actually wear cammo pants? Is that why I never see them around here?

Of course, my day mostly consists of childcare. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a happy woman. I'm just concerned. I feel uneasy, restless, and maybe a bit in need of adult company. I know I haven't been a mother for that long, but I feel the need for a breather. I just need the afternoon off.

So, I gave Hector his bottle and left the kids with Cycl0n3. I briefly worried that he'd pay too much attention to his garden and wouldn't spend any time with them, but then I stopped myself. That's silly, it really is. Cycl0n3 is amazing. He's a fantastic father. He'll do a better job with the kids than I would've!

Man, I need a day off, all this time cooped up in the house has got me off my rocker.

The first stop in my day out on the town was the book store. I wanted to pick up a couple of books for Hector, and maybe Raquel someday. I'm sure he'll love his new counting book.

Then, we got to the real purpose for my outing. Skating. It was so much fun! I think I slipped a few times, but it didn't take me long to get pretty good at it, I guess being a master in the athletic field probably helped with that! I only spent a few hours at the park, but I felt so much better afterwards.

Cycl0n3 was just doing his best to provide for us, I wouldn't want him spending all his time making money if he didn't enjoy it. I mean, have we ever not been able to provide for the kids? No, they've always had a home and food and a place to sleep. Cycl0n3 loves gardening, and I used to love that about him. I remember that when we first got married, I'd just watch him garden. He was mesmerizing because he loved it so much. I can't believe I actually started resenting that.

He works so hard for me and the family, and instead of resenting it, I should be grateful that I found a husband that loves me and our kids so much. As for the lack of time think, of course we're busy right now! We have two small children! I just need to be patient. Cycl0n3 and I aren't going to fall apart- we just need to wait until the kids are a little older to have the kind of time that we used to. 

I came home to Cycl0n3 letting Hector up from a nap, he was such a good father. When I came home he asked how my day was, and then after I told him that it was really great, he told me that he still had a lot of work to do in the garden. Which is okay. I told him that, too. It's okay that he has a garden that he spends time in. I'm okay with that, because it Cycl0n3's garden. Someday that garden is going to make us very wealthy, or if not very wealthy, then very healthy. Home grown food is better than store bought, you know.

I gave Hector his book and he was so happy, he wanted to start playing with it right away. I asked if he wanted me to read it with him, but he really didn't like that idea! I have no idea what I'm going to do with him, he's already so independent!

I peeked out the door to see what Cycl0n3 was up to, and to my surprise I found him disposing of a few plants! Now, I know they had died, but he didn't replant them, he just left their spaces empty! He was downsizing his garden! I seriously do have the best husband ever.

Here I was worried that I was the only person unhappy with how little time we've had, and of course Cycl0n3 felt the same way. I can get so silly sometimes, I really should just pause and take some time to readjust myself before I work myself up into a state of agitation.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Well, I know what you could be thinking. You're wondering, who made that food, Cycl0n3 or Lynn? And here's what you're thinking about it:

If Cycl0n3 made it, aww, he made Lynn's favorite as a way to make up with her because he can tell she's not happy, that's sweet.

If Lynn made it, man, Lynn made her husband dinner, but she made her favorite meal and not his? She's awfully selfish, no wonder she freaks out about the smallest things! She needs to think about other people more!

And all I have to say about that is, yes I made it. And no I'm not selfish! You should take some time to think about how busy we are! Sushi is a thousand times quicker than Mac and Cheese to make- so of course I made that instead, and for your information Cycl0n3 loved it, so there. You should be praising me for making dinner for my husband when I had a lot of things to do!

Well as the evening wore on, I discovered that the gnomes really did hear me! We have a computer! A family full of Computer Whiz's have a computer now! That's very appropriate. I got on it for only a few minutes to check it out- sure it's not the best computer in the world- but it's ours. I'll have to try to remember to find time for laundry in the near future! Thank you gnomes!

The laundry can wait, though, because Cycl0n3 finally finished up with his garden and we spent some much needed time together... before our parental responsibilities kicked in.

Cycl0n3 took  Raquel, isn't that sweet? You're asking why that's sweet when she's his daughter as much as she is mine? And here I thought you only gave me a hard time! It's sweet because he knows that I'm better with toddlers than babies, so as much as I love my daughter (and I do love her a LOT) I'm better with my son right now. See, now you think it's sweet now, too, huh?

Well, at least this time Hector actually had something to cry about. Now, I just want to clarify some things, well, one thing. I love Hector. I love him so much. He's a fantastic little boy. The thing is I'm not blind. I also know Hector pretty well. He's not the best thing ever. He's a little sadistic. He's imbalanced. I desperately hope he never develops any sort of mental condition, because it'll be hard enough for him to be a productive member of society w/o being crazy. So, although I may point out that I do actually think he's evil, I love him. He's my firstborn. He's Cycl0n3's only son, and I will always love him, although I'm sure I won't always agree with everything he does, or even condone it. 

I'm not saying the day won't come when I have to kick him out of my house for being totally rotten, but if that day comes, I'll be heartbroken, because he's my son and I love him.

Happily married,

Lynn Sw0rd